(or how not to win the love and affection of a heavily pregnant woman)
Me (wallowing in a very lovely bath which is starting to cool, in a state of deep relaxation and temporary bliss) Please could I have a hand getting out of the bath?
David: (adopting the tone of an Attenborough nature commentary): And the handlers of the whale approach the captive creature carefully, carrying the crane they will need to move the prostrate creature out of her tank. They approach with care, hoping to keep her calm. She seems relaxed enough right now but they know from experience that one wrong move could lead to devestating consequences.
Me: Just get me out
David: She has spotted their intentions and is starting to get agitated. The handlers retreat to consider how best to handle the situation from here. They know that the whale is quite capable of lashing out and causing serious damage if not handled correctly at this point.
Me: Just F***** Well Help Me Out.
David: The handlers move in with the swing section of the crane which has proved so useful for moving the sperm whales before.
Me: **** &*** **&*&"£$%$%%!
David: Oh no, there has been a terrible disaster. The creature beached before them is not as they suspected a sperm whale but the far more deadly killer whale, and she is starting to show her teeth. The handlers really must watch their actions now. One false move and they risk being crushed by the flailing fins or crunched by her vicious teeth - and look those teeth are moving and she is making sounds that suggest she is not at all happy with what is happening. What's this? She has thrown a load of water at the handlers, drenching them and damaging the crane. They need to act fast and move to remove the plug before she can manage to do so again.
Me: (with my best I'm heavily pregnant don't mess with me growl) DAVID!
David: oh success for the handlers, they have a good grip on the whale now and have eased her up out of the water. Now the handlers must run before the whale manages to catch them up... (sharp exit stage left in hysterical giggles)
Reports of a man's sad demise at the hands of his pregnant wife are only slightly exaggerated.
Ha ha ha, that is brilliant! I hope you got revenge! I would sit on my husband when he messed with me :-)!
ReplyDeleteHaha!! Love it, he was taking his life in his hands wasn't he? Or was he just confident that he could move faster than you?
ReplyDeleteI assume he knew he was safe from sharp objects then!!
ReplyDeleteLOL!
BNM
Excellent! I laughed out loud at that :)
ReplyDeleteYou could always roll over on him in bed?
ReplyDeleteHe deserves anything you can give him. I say "can" because I imagine there are severe limitations to your movement at the moment. :P
ReplyDeleteThat was SO funny. You have to admit...
ReplyDeleteYou've just inspired me to do something on my blog that I've been meaning to do for a couple of months.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow!
i love this post sounds exactly something my hubby would do, i hope you and bump are well xxxxx
ReplyDeleteOh he deserves a kicking.
ReplyDeleteIs he going to do a follow-up when you are a lactating mammal?
I just nearly wee'd myself laughing!!!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Take your revenge with some hand crushing during labour!
ReplyDeleteThat's too funny - I'm surprised you didn't go into labour over it!
ReplyDeleteTee Hee Hee!
ReplyDeleteGosh! I remember those days!
Tee hee! Men are silly - that's why we have the babies.
ReplyDeleteV amusing, and brings back appalling memories...best contraseptive I've seen for ages.
ReplyDeleteOh naughty man!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, you can get your revenge in due course. Not sure what yet, but will think about it for you.
LCM x
That is a classic.
ReplyDeleteI've yet to recover from the 'Well, you look good from the knees down' comment or indeed the 'Are you going to a fancy dress party as Tina Turner this morning comment'. Bless them, they just think they are sooo funny ;-) Thank god for blogging eh!!
Magic. What a stupid/brave husband you have. I found my boy was way more brave when he I was heavily pregnant and knew I couldn't run as fast to kick his arse. You can get him back during labour.
ReplyDeleteI think you deserve a ruddy great medal for not having slapped him one! Is he still running?
ReplyDeleteROFL, he's a brave man, that's for sure! Is he still alive?
ReplyDeleteBrilliant. I'm seconding Nappy Valley Girl's comment!
ReplyDeletePlease tell me; did he survive the night?
ReplyDeleteBRILLIANT. Love love love it!!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely brilliant. I was once stuck in a pool at term because they didn't have a ladder to get out and no one could ahem, lift me! Very very funny Pants. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your comments. Let's just say he's lucky that I find him funny. Especially after he approached last night muttering 'once again the whale has swum too close to the shore....'
ReplyDeleteI shall indeed be rolling on him shortly - but in the meantime am enjoying the heavily pregnant leg spasms during the night which kick him rather hard and completely by accident (of course!)
only a man secure of your love would be brave enough to do this.
ReplyDeleteDoncha just love a sense of humour in a man??
ReplyDeleteOh my! That was hilarious! Laughing with you, not at you. =)
ReplyDeleteHOM - and repeat the drama a few nights later....
ReplyDeleteMichelloui - he's lucky I find him funny!
If I Could Escape - I have to admit one of the reasons I couldn't get out of the bath was that I was laughing too hard.
My husband went around happily telling all and sundry that we were deciding to call our boy Jonah, because I was the proverbial whale! He was the one that pointed out I had stretch marks on my boobs too- ah,love.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hilarious - he sounds like he has a great sense of humour although I can see why you wanted to clock him one!
ReplyDelete